Get Happy!

Reader warning: This is going to be a long post!

I had no intention of writing this post. Ever. There are just some things I wasn't really comfortable with putting out there for the world to see, but after several unique conversations with people in my life over the last week, I woke this morning and felt compelled to share this. So be forewarned- This is going to get deep. Yup, like the meaning of life deep. But what could be more important to discuss than that? Right, on to it...


There have been many, many times in my life where I have struggled with my own happiness and general quality of life. I think that a major component of your teens and twenties is learning how to be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses, and learning to work with them to maximize the joy and fulfillment you can experience in your own life.


After giving birth to my little one, I suffered from postpartum depression. While I do believe this was ultimately triggered by the crazy hormones, I also believe my emotional state was greatly aggravated by the general tumultuous state of my life during that time. I was 25, and major work transitions, a new and difficult marriage, familial problems, were all swirling around. Unfortunately, I tend to be the type who just pushes all the nitty gritty bad stuff to the very back of my mind, stuffing it in my own internal closets with the mantra "there is always tomorrow." Perhaps if I had been more honest with myself about the state of my own feelings and had also known of the simple, yet effective coping tools available to aid in dealing with them, my emotional state would not have degraded so severely. I literally felt as if I were broken, as if my very spirit had been shattered. I couldn't get out of bed, had extreme bouts of anger which would quickly swing to deep sadness, I made terrible decisions which alienated friends and family, and ultimately considered suicide on a near daily basis. It was bad.


Ultimately, my depression required medical treatment in order for me to get back to a healthier place. And it was not a quick fix. It was a process that took several years. The medication, along with my family, my faith, and a healthier lifestyle (yup, eating right and exercise!) helped me get back to "normal." I no longer take antidepressants, instead leaning on my faith and family, and incorporating positive coping techniques during times of tribulation.


So enough about me! This post is for all of the people in my life, and any of you, who are not feeling like your getting the most out of your lives. I think that for women there are two main issues when it comes to not feeling "happy."


1. Not loving yourself, or not feeling loved
2. Relying on "circumstantial happiness." The typical sense of happiness that most of us have –based on the notion that if we get what we want we will be happy.That is, believing that if we get the things that we think will make us happy and create the circumstances that will make us happy, then we will be happy all of the time. Right...


Sorting out issue number one is a tough one for every woman. Our society bombards us with standards that are impossible to achieve, therefore creating a sort of constantly negative stream directed straight at our psyche. Add to that any issues creating during childhood and early development by dysfunctional families and/or relationship trauma, and we have been pretty much programmed to not like ourselves a whole lot. And point blank, if you don't love yourself 100%, you will not be truly capable of giving or receiving love from anyone else. So how do we even attempt to fix that? Well, I sure am not qualified! Below is an excerpt from the blog of Dr. Aymee Coget, Getting happy with Dr Aymee. Dr. Aymee has over 15 years of experience in positive psychology and works with people teaching them how to be happy and how to handle life's toughest challenges.


More people than you can imagine, do not love themselves entirely.

Do you want someone to love you unconditionally?

Do you give yourself 100% self love?

Think about how that influenced your experience in life.  If we are really 'all one' and we expect others to love us unconditionally then we need to love ourselves first.

It is easy to point the finger at our significant other and say all of the things that are wrong with them.  It is harder to point our fingers at ourselves and ask, "Why is this my experience?" and look at our past and present to see why we are experiencing this lack of self-love.

Unfortunately our society's educational system does not give us the education we need to build this sense of self love for ourselves.  There is no "How to" manual.  Our family is the only structure that offers us a hint of this 100% unconditional love and if we were raised in a semi-dysfunctional or extremely dysfunctional family, then we have the odds against us.

At some point in our lives we have to come to the decision to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else and receive true love from them,  In fact we will attract someone who does not love themselves if you do not love yourself.  This will manifest into an unhappy relationship because each person will expect the other one to love them unconditionally and each person will not be able to do it because their own self love comes first.

So the first step is to ACKNOWLEDGE that you have to love yourself first unconditionally.

The second step is to ACCEPT your self love is only going to come from you.

The third step is to TURN YOUR ARROWS AROUND & POINT TO YOURSELF and stop looking to others for love.

The fourth step is START NURTURING YOURSELF like you were a baby.  Treat yourself to dinner by yourself, go to the spa, tell yourself you are beautiful.

Take the VIA strengths survey http://www.authentichappiness.com/ that will tell you WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.  Build your life in accordance with your strengths.

If you follow this quick and easy guide to building self-love for yourself, I imagine you will attract the love in your life that you were missing before.



Dr. Aymee


Pretty excellent advice all around. I took the survey recommended by Dr Aymee, and must say I was somewhat surprised by the results. Not in a bad way, just that I had not looked at the qualities that the survey pointed out were strengths, as that. I didn't see them as strengths... just as a part of who I am and the way I think. Looking at your core qualities as strengths can definitely alter your perspective on yourself for the better, and you may find yourself reevaluating your "goals."


On to issue number two. Reevaluating your sense of "happiness." Back to Dr Aymee:


The typical sense of happiness that most of us have – called hedonic happiness – is based on the notion that if we get what we want we will be happy. We are brought up to believe that if we get the things that we think will make us happy and create the circumstances that will make us happy, then we will be happy all of the time.

Unfortunately life blows this sense of happiness to smithereens. If only we could keep our boss from firing us, our spouse divorcing us, and the car accident from happening...  The truth is hedonic happiness is unsustainable.

While you may feel initial happiness if you find a way to keep your job or your wife, studies have shown that this hedonic circumstantial happiness will not last more than three months.

What does that leave us with?
A chance to be completely, sustainably happy, that’s what!

Since you can’t guarantee circumstantial happiness, you shouldn’t rely on it. I have been through and live with some pretty poor circumstances – being overweight, ugly, poor, divorced and chronic pain – but I still manage to be happy every single day because I don’t depend on hedonic happiness.

In October 2007, Shankar Vedantam did an article for the Washington Post about a man who was left paralyzed from a horrific bike accident. Despite his terrible circumstance, this man was happy and outliving all of the death predictions made by his doctors. His state of mind was the only thing he had going for him, and it was enough to keep him going.

To think that you can adopt a mindset and achieve lasting happiness is empowering. If it’s all in your head, then you have control over it!

Positive psychology as a field is still in its infancy, but already there are three principles that are key to sustainable happiness.

1. Listen to the truth in your heart.
2. Know and use your strengths.
3. Have a sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

Empower yourself, take responsibility for your sustainable happiness, make the decision and begin your journey to lasting happiness. It’s only three steps away.


Dr. Aymee


Three steps, sounds pretty simple right? Well, it can indeed be that basic. Start each day with intention, as in focusing on the goal of being positive. I've posted one of Dr Aymee's videos below which may seem a little cheesy, but if you incorporate only one or two of the daily practices she suggests, I guarantee you will see a difference in your mood, and your thinking.

If you don't have an extra five minutes to practice this "routine" in the morning, simplify it: Smile. Look in the mirror and find something you love about yourself, compliment yourself on this quality. Each time you feel a negative thought creeping in on you during your day, stop it and turn it around. For example: "Ugh, I'm so behind in my work." Turn that into: "I complete everything with intention and to the best of my ability." Or, "Ugh, I feel so fat today." Instead "I am a beautiful person and loved regardless of my size."


I also believe it is exceptionally important to express gratitude. If you aren't great at thinking of things to be thankful for, keep a daily gratitude journal. Ask yourself these questions everyday, and record the answers:


When did I enjoy myself today?
Best moment of the day?
What did I learn today?
What beauty do I see in myself today?


I think when you take the time to focus on the positive moments in your life, however small, you will be amazed at all the blessings you have been given. I also believe it is extremely important to have faith. That may look very different from one person to another, but it is a fact that if you feel connected to something bigger than yourself, a universal power- God, you are more likely to live a happier and more fulfilled life. Find a local church to attend, or attend with a friend or family member if going alone is too intimidating. Get rid of any past or present negative thoughts or preconceptions about religion. That is simply carrying a grudge. Participating in something innately positive, and being around positive people and energy is bound to bring good things into your life. If you are local to the Seattle area, I highly recommend The City Church. You can even watch a video session from the comfort of your home free, on itunes.


The last step, knowing or obtaining a sense of meaning and purpose in your life, is undoubtedly the most complex and perhaps challenging of the three steps to happiness. I think many of us will be working on this for the majority of our lives. However, even working towards that goal is bound to be fulfilling and contribute to your overall happiness. In a way, you must accomplish the first two steps to get to a place where you can attain the third. You must learn to love yourself, and understand and listen to your own heart, before you are able to truly comprehend your purpose. How can you know your purpose if you don't know yourself. Similarly, you must also know your strengths. I guarantee your meaning and purpose in life will be directly fueled by your own unique strengths.


Whew! Quite a lot to take in, I know. But take little steps. Little steps every day towards achieving the ultimate goal... to be happy. Smile. Smile at yourself and at others. For no good reason. Just because you are alive, and you are a wonderful, wonderous, beautiful, unique creation. Try to stop taking yourself and your everyday life for granted. Take pleasure in the little, amazing things in your life. See the innate beauty in the tiniest intricacies of our world. Laugh. Love. Live. Experience and bring joy. Get happy!

♥ Jen


*a quick note on depression. Having experienced the depth of depression, I recognize and understand how serious and debilitating it can be. While many of us will experience brief moments (lasting a day or less) of a depressed mood at various points in our life, if you are experiencing any of the following symptoms on a regular basis, please talk to someone. Ideally a doctor or counselor, but family and friends is a start. Do not attempt to walk that path alone. You and your life are too precious to waste away in the powerful grip of depression. Please, get help!

• Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful
• Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
• Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
• Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
• Thinking about death or suicide

If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please call 1-800-273-8255. This is a toll free, national crisis line. It doesn't hurt to call, and it doesn't cost anything, so pick up the phone and make the call. No one will judge you, and you won't feel like you are wasting anyone's time with your problems. Many of the counselors are volunteers, so they do this because they enjoy helping others, not because they are being paid to do it.


photo credits: 1. Me; 2. Source Unknown

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