Inhale in... Exhale out... Repeat. Last week was not fun. Three exams. 8 page research paper. On top of the normal reading and discussion assignments. Mommy duty. Wife duty. I pretty much felt like this all week:
Generally, altogether, completely, hair-raisingly overwhelmed. But the best part was...I was so wrapped up in myself, that I didn't really realize it! That is, until a conversation with my husband at breakfast on Sunday went like this: Husband: "you are totally stressed out, nobody wants to be around you." Me: {feelings hurt, am silent for a moment} "Okay, fine. I won't be around to bother you!" {proceed to me stubbornly stomping out of the restaurant, tripping on my own high heels as I'm stomping with such ferocity, and nearly breaking my ankle in the parking lot} So I hobble to my car, am asked by a very nice couple if I'm okay, and proceed to fully absorb the embarrassing event that has just occurred while smiling, nodding, and blushing furiously.
Not very fun times. But... as I'm driving home, still miffed at the husbands comments, I realize he is right. I spent at least 8-10 hours each day Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with a glazed look on my face re-reading text books, or absorbed in internet research for the paper I was writing. I recalled a moment when the little one had tried to get my attention for something and I completely snapped at her. "Don't talk to me right now!" I had said. I definitely was not fun to be around. How did I let myself get to that point without realizing it? Pretty simple actually... I was trying to do everything, and do it with my own accord, will, and strength.
You know what? I get a lot more accomplished, and am a lot more pleasant to be around when I simply accept the truth. I am not in control of anything. I can't do anything of my own strength with as much success as I would attain if I relied on Christ, my rock, to carry me through. Its as if I can hear him asking me as I'm driving... "I'm here, didn't you know? Why don't you just lean on me... I'll carry you." It seems so easy... but why is it so hard for me to do?
I've learned very quickly in my faith, that my biggest struggle is going to be to get out of my own way. I have been trained since birth by my family, and the world, to be strong. With discipline and focus you can accomplish anything, right? Sure... but you are very likely to lose something along the way. How many moments did I miss with my family while I was so focused? How many questions was I not there to answer for my little one? If I had simply stopped focusing on the problem, on what needed to be done, and kept my focus where it belonged, on my faith, on Jesus... I still would have needed to study, but I wouldn't have lost myself along the way. Through his grace, I would have retained the balance and patience I needed to work through the challenges of the week, without losing control of my heart and attitude. I wouldn't have been too stubborn to ask the husband for help. I would have known that it would be okay to leave the house for a few hours to really focus on my studies without interruption. All I really had to do was listen to Him calling, and answer. To give up the worldly will that I have been taught to impose on my life, and to let Him take the wheel.
Since when has focusing on a problem ever really fixed anything? When you focus on something, all you are really doing is seeing it larger, more intricately, seeing how it permeates your world. Pretty soon, the only thing you can see is the problem. What if you put that focus elsewhere? What if you gave that intensity, that focus, up to the only true hope? Gave it all to the only answer for the world, and for each tiny issue in our individual lives?
"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:29-30 NLV
God is Love. Faith in him is fulfilling, and truly the answer to all of my problems. I believe that Jesus {as God incarnate...Yup, God with skin on.} made the best offer any of us have ever been given: Give me your sin, give me your troubles, your sadness, your brokenness, your fears, your unfulfillement, your insecurities... I will give you forgiveness, joy, wholeness, courage, fulfillment, confidence, love... I will be ALL you need. All He requires of us is faith and love. We are human, we will make mistakes, and He knows this. He does not expect us to be perfect, as we are incapable of achieving true perfection. That is why God gifted us Jesus, the only sinless man whom has ever walked the earth, to be a sacrifice for our sins. To make us right with God for all we have done, and will do. I believe that all that he truly desires of us is to humble ourselves when we do make a mistake, to genuinely ask for forgiveness, and to move forward in faith.
I think many people have been scared away from Religion, particularly Christianity, due to the preposition that Christians are trying to be "perfect" and will not accept anything less. I can count myself as believing that assumption as well, prior to truly encountering Jesus. I remember reading a bumper sticker early on in my faith. It was a quote by Ghandi, and it went something like this: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." Well, for the most part, Ghandi has been right. In general, I don't think that a large population of Christianity truly portrays the heart of Christ. Jesus said do not judge, yet often Christians are extremely judgmental. Jesus said love everyone, but often Christians are very "closed-minded" about who is "worthy" of their love. Jesus ate and drank with the worst of the worst in his times, and through this open love and acceptance, saved many sinners. Often Christians would not be caught anywhere near a drug dealer, prostitute, or even simply a non-christian. Jesus said love your enemies, and yet how many wars have been fought, how many millions have died, in "his" name? When Jesus walked the earth, sinners flocked to him as a safe harbor, and while they still come to Him today searching for that love and forgiveness, sadly, often churches today present nothing resembling his true message.
While there are no perfect churches, I am truly blessed to have become part of a good one. Through the amazing, profound guidance of this spiritually grounded church, I am truly growing in my faith. I do not believe that in order to be a good Christian, and a good person, that we need to work harder to "be like Jesus." What I believe is that we need to give up ourselves, and let the real Jesus do his work through us. I believe the best way for that to happen is to be honest with yourself, and to present yourself as you really are to others. Admit the imperfections. Attempting to "set a good example" typically results in superficiality at its best, and hypocrisy at its worst. And I am not a fan of superficiality or hypocrisy. In fact, they may be two of my least favorite human traits. Do I love nice clothes... sure! Do I present myself to the world a certain way, of course. But I don't dress how I dress or put on make up to impress others, or to meet a certain standard. I try to do it for my own joy. I {me, the person I am on the inside} loves clothes, and loves make-up. I have since I was a little girl. I didn't play with my Barbie's, I dressed them up and decorated their house. Then I left them alone, perfectly styled, in their dream house. And point blank, I look better with a bit of make-up than bare-faced. And I'd rather look better. For me. But, I like to think that I am a transparent person. If you ask me my opinion about something, I will give it to you honestly. If you ask me a question about marriage, I will tell you that I am struggling in my own, and offer my ear to listen. The only way I believe it is possible to truly draw others to the perfection and love of Christ is through the honest admittance and acceptance of our own imperfections. I am not perfect, and I make mistakes every day, but I want to let Him shine through the brokenness in my life, and I believe that He will.
So, with that in mind, I am taking a deep breath this week. I am going to make it a point to start each day with focus on faith. I am not going to let my life, or the problems in it, run me over. I am going to believe that through Christ, I can do all things, and I am going to make sure to anchor myself to him, and not the world. He gives me genuine hope, for my genuine problems. He has rescued me time, and time again... always coming through in the nick of time. Regardless of the fact that I may at times make mistakes, I may run from him, or question his plans, or hold anger in my heart... regardless of what I do, or don't do... I know that He is there for me. That He wants to help me. That He is the answer to all of my needs. He gives me rest, and gives me Peace. And that, my friends, is something we can all use a little more of.
♥Jen
